Words Cannot Express The Pain I Feel…

So many things have happened to me in the span of an hour… so many terrible things.  I feel myself fading into the shadows again, away from the world.  When I find out information that is such an overly powerful shock to my system… I shut down.  I withdraw, back into my dark and lonely corner… I don’t want to feel like I’m worthless anymore… It is taking every ounce of my remaining strength not to cry, I can’t waste tears over this pain anymore…

I am being considered guilty by association, I honestly did nothing… I hate that I cannot defend myself and that you aren’t here to see what actually goes down… I’m trying so hard to prove myself and you just won’t believe me…

I also found out something that really hurt… I was cheated on… for the first time… he cheated on me :’(  am I that worthless?  It hurts… so much…

(Source: behindthesemasks)

A Night of Love and Pain…

Four People I want to see for different reasons…

Shame: I want to see you because I am loving you are in my life and I want to show you how much you mean to me, you are so sweet and wonderful and I still owe you your home cooked lasagna meal… I know I haven’t been as good to you as I should be, I’ve let others effect my actions, that won’t happen anymore… I want another McAlisters date soon…  

I am ashamed I let others pull me from you…

Fear: I have only just met you recently and I am already so thankful and loving that day you walked through my dorm door… you are so wonderful and kind and I see a potentially amazing and wonderful friendship with you… but I am scared to get close because others in your life already hate me and have even blocked me from getting close to you and even contacting you… You are too beautiful a person to be taken from me…

I fear others won’t allow us to create that bond and that maybe you won’t want to…

Regret: I continue to kick myself for not getting to you sooner, I know I can offer you so much more… I think about you literally all the time and I look at your pictures when I need a smile… I want to express my feelings so very badly but can’t because of certain situations… in such a short time of finding these feelings, already you take my breath away and make me feel… like I am worthy of having… you make me feel happy because, when we sleep… we dream together… and I wouldn’t ever want it any other way…

I regret how I treated you and that I did not get to know you sooner, because I know these same feelings would’ve come up then and maybe you would be with me tonight…

Constriction: Tonight… I think you will hurt me the most… and the reason it will cut me so very deep is because I can almost guarantee that you have no idea how much pain I am in… I don’t think I shine as brightly in your eyes as you do in mine… I refuse to have a life without you in it… but I fear you will leave and I’ll be forgotten oh so easily… it’s already starting… I’ll always love you and you say you love me, but sometimes I need the action behind your words to step forward…

I am bound by two constricting forces, I am in great pain that you are forgetting me but I can’t say anything because it will push you away faster…

Despite all this… I do look forward to seeing each of you.  Your faces are lights in my life that I will gladly fight to see through any pain.  I care for you all so much and bless each of the days you all came into my life.  You’re all in my prayers, I pray you will stay with me in this life and we will grow… together… through anything and everything.  Amen…

(Source: behindthesemasks)

It hurts so bad and you don’t even realize…

Day 12: A Person Who Caused You A Lot of Pain

I don’t want to put your name…

We had something.

Something Incredible.

I trusted you COMPLETELY.

I gave you my faith and my love.

We were moving into the best friendship I would ever know.

Then what happens?

You tore it away.

You cut me out of your life.

You quit talking to me.

You wouldn’t even look at me.

To this day I still don’t know what happened between us.

I hate you for what you did to me… what you took from… us…

But I know, if asked, I would forgive you in a heartbeat.

To go back to what we had.

I miss you, I still love you, I always will.

I don’t know what happened… I have theories.

It is a burden… a mystery, I will carry with me for all time.

Maybe this time together will rebuild us.

I pray that it will.

I pray for you… for us.

God answers me too, He gives me signs…

Somehow, I know everything will go back to the way it was before.

Maybe even grow stronger…

I haven’t given up on you… nor will I ever.

But you did cause me to feel the worst pain I have ever felt so far in my life.

I love you…